Somewhere in the realm of my late teens/early twenties, I started to pigeon-hole myself. I was “Ray and Sherry’s daughter”. I was “an Askew”. I was “Hans’s girlfriend”. I was a smart kid, a skater girl, a night owl. I was Mama Bear to the younger kids who were around us. I essentially began giving myself labels, and actively behaving in those roles without understanding WHY. I adjusted my behavior to fit the self-imposed labels I had created. And do you know what happened? I floundered miserably. This time in my life is what I like to refer to as “Lost part One”. Instead of adjusting the roles I was in to best accommodate me, I adjusted me to best accommodate the roles. This is NOT a sound decision, my friends, let me just state that for the record right now. I did that thing that we have all seen in our friends;  that thing that makes us shake our head, say “Bless her heart, if only she would be herself” internally, and walk away praying they will get it together. Yeah, I was a GOLD MINE of  opportunities for my loved ones to practice their head shakes and prayers. I did a lot of dumb shit while I was attempting to fit into self-imposed molds.

The problem with self-imposed molds, is that you can never actually live up to them. They aren’t real. They’re a figment of your own imagination, and because of this, they don’t have any real parameters for success. You CAN’T be the best “Daughter, Askew, smart kid, skater girl, night owl, girlfriend, Mama Bear” in the world…because that person doesn’t really exist. So imagine, if you will, a 19 year old girl, who was raised a SSW, trying to fit herself into ALL THESE ROLES. Roles that were simply made up, in her own head. Can you envision the disaster that would follow? Good…you’re still with me.

Disaster. Now that’s putting it mildly. It wasn’t a full come apart, breakdown, homeless situation…but for argument’s sake, it was the mental equivalent. Begin “Crisis Part One” of the life of Robyn. I will stress again, I did some DUMB ASS SHIT during this time. I torpedoed, I spun in circles, I allowed myself to be involved in some shady situations. I didn’t take care of me. I honestly forgot how to, all in the service of fulfilling “my roles”. It ended badly friends. BADLY. I barely climbed out of that period with my sanity, not to mention my child, my education, and my livelihood (that full story is a topic for a different time, I promise I will cover it in the future). Things were BAD, and I was SICK. It was not my finest hour, not by a long shot.

Unfortunately for Future Me, that time period taught me some very strong behaviors. The worst of which was the practice of believing in “I’m Just…”. “I am JUST Hans’s girl”. “I am JUST a bartender”. “I am JUST the driver for stupid nighttime excursions”. “I AM JUST…” became my fallback when I didn’t want to truly take responsibility for the situation I had landed myself in. Now, if you don’t already subscribe to the idea of manifestation talk (you really should. It’s a game changer, and I can point you towards several free blogs/sites) then you aren’t familiar with this particular phenomenon, so let me explain. Self-talk, either positive or negative, is a POWERFUL FORCE in our lives. As adults, it may be THE most powerful force in our lives. So the second I started labeling myself and saying “I’m just…”, well, I hope you can see the bad in this. Anyway, I started hardcore down the road of “I’m just…” thinking. And like any other habit, this one is HARD to break.

Fast forward about a decade. I have managed to get out of the really terrible, horrible, no good, very bad behaviors of my late teens/early twenties. Hooray me, right? Except…I still think in terms of “I just”. Only now, the self-imposed labels and limits are more society acceptable. 

“I’m JUST a mom”. “I’m JUST a wife”. “I’m JUST a Nurse”. “I JUST sell soap and lotion”. 

Go back and read that last part again. Seriously. Do it. 

I gave myself these amazing, HARD, goal-worthy labels, and I immediately diminished them so I would somehow seem LESS of a badass???? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! 

As it turns out, there’s nothing wrong with me. I learned bad self-talk when I was unsure of who and what I was, and like any habit, that is a bitch to break. I am now in a very different season of my life, and I am finally aware of what I am saying to myself every day. Am I cured of this thinking? Not by a long shot!! Do I know it’s there, and can intentionally work to avoid it? ABSOLUTELY!! It’s like everything else in life: if it’s worth it, it takes work. So I work every day.